"The search for perfection makes people fail," says Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries in his book "Mindful Leadership Coaching - Journeys into the Interior". I knew this, of course, and I worked for many years with myself to find the right size of the job well done and to avoid the perfectionist tendencies that tormented me and made me permanently dissatisfied with myself, first of all, but not only with myself. The competitive habit of many years of telling myself that I can't afford to make mistakes, to not be at my highest level – a standard sometimes so high it seemed impossible. For me, it was an extraordinary trigger when, some 25 years ago, at the end of an extremely tiring day, a day in which, standing in front of a room full of managers, in a workshop, I suddenly realized that, it doesn't matter what I know, what I can do... it's just about them, their way of thinking, their desire to progress, their aspirations, and their goals. It's about those in front of me. And I am there for them, to facilitate this.

Writing about this experience makes me think how lucky I was to become aware of the possibility of a high standard of quality but without the obsession with perfection. Those who know me and work with me will of course say that I still have accents and I don't deny them. The perfection germ is deeply ingrained in us from the earliest years of our lives, and we find perpetual justification in maintaining this obsession and our competitive nature that, more often than not, works against us.

In executive coaching, the theme of perfectionism often appears because leaders, those who reach the top of organizations, are people who have succeeded, have a lot of capacity for work, and concentration, who define their goals, and have aspirations to move towards better, more and more the best. They have high expectations and sometimes forget how hard it is to walk at that pace constantly. They can lose patience and you can become intransigent. Sometimes they have a hard time reaching self-imposed standards.

The theme of perfectionism does not argue that we should lower the bar. However, it invites those in leadership positions, especially those at the top of organizations, to reflect on the result that this thinking has on their person. Even many years of experience and exposure to making decisions of great importance bring to the lips the question "How well am I doing?" and create the need for external validation.

How do we become self-fragile in our resources and powers?

I dwell here on two of the possible unwanted side effects of striving for the highest possible standard, driven by perfectionism. One of the effects is the development of the need to please, to be confirmed as a person that develops in leaders who want to be charismatic as part of their success. It's not just that you want to do things of very good quality, that you want to have extraordinary results, but you want to be perfect, good, appreciated, known, and reputable. And that's because, in the perfectionist's mindset, flawless self-image is part of the recipe for success. The simple fact that someone doesn't like you, fights you, doesn't develop a personal loyalty to you, or questions who you are in the role you fill can send you into a state of unnecessary insecurity or annoyance that greatly reduces the ability to listen, to correctly perceive the message coming from the immediate environment and to be able to learn how to relate to people who have other preferences, other needs, and other communication styles, other perspectives. It reduces the opportunity to benefit from diversity and build relationships with as many different people as possible. It reduces the possibility of being a leader for everyone. It just creates a "bubble" in which you feel comfortable.

The second effect is on the result itself which, paradoxically, is reduced. This is because perfectionist tendencies generate conventionalism, i.e. working according to certain and only certain rules, leads to the strengthening of rules that seem to secure a certain type of result, generates procrastination through delayed action, at the last moment, in the hope of finding the best solution. And it frustrates all tremendously by acknowledging contributions that are emergent, untested, and purposeless specific to a creative process of on-the-fly contributors.

Where do we put the cursor – where is the balance point?

This is where the value of the coaching partnership comes in. It is difficult to see for yourself where the point is, assessments are always subjective and no one challenges you.

§ What is important and what makes that aspect important?

§ Is it related to a specific context, or situation, or is it more of a pattern that you can observe?

§ How does it affect decision-making, emotional health, or the ability to tolerate ambiguity and uncertainty?

§ What would it be possible? What would be positive and possible?

§ To what extent are you available to look from another perspective? What motivates this availability?

And many other questions of reflection and awareness to enable the desired transformation or the awareness of its need.

If I go back to my personal experience and my work with myself and the need for high performance, I can say that it is a bumpy ride in places. The desire to do a quality thing is such a good justification that the need for balance fades and the pace we impose on ourselves and those around us can become easy, and unreasonable. I received feedback over time and sometimes it was hard for me to accept it. I have observed the difficulty around me over time, and at times it has been difficult for me to maintain objectivity in my expectations.

I finally chose to discuss this and bring up this topic and how it gets in the way of my balance and actual performance with a coach, a professional I trust and look to challenge me while supporting me to understand what is valuable and important and how I can take the plunge. Because every coach has a performance coach. I discovered that sustainability is important and that things can happen not "by themselves", but without my direct control, but with my involvement and contribution to others, at a pace that supports us all. But most importantly, I'm constantly learning how to get out of my way.

The specialized literature mentions three types of perfectionism: self-oriented, social perfectionism, and other-oriented perfectionism. Self-oriented perfectionism places unrealistic expectations on oneself, exaggerates the importance of this aspect, and erodes self-confidence, and self-esteem leading to feelings of guilt completely counterproductive to a leader. It can lead to fear of making mistakes and block decisions. Externally oriented perfectionism leads to frustration, we become far too critical and negative, unable to collaborate healthily.

An essential question is: how willing are you to revise your beliefs and convictions regarding these aspects, what kind of effort are you willing to invest in changing your habits and your mental patterns?

There is no recipe for balance in this matter, but a healthy and challenging discussion, an open discussion, can put the cursor in the right position between the desire and the orientation towards quality and performance, and perfectionism.

  Article published in PRWave